ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .
Lot of Pain
Beginning January of 1995 the healing that I was
aware of needing was physical. In the abdominal area
of my body I had endometriosis, fibroids and cysts.
I also had intestinal problems and was pre-cancerous
in one area. I was going to doctors, through procedures,
tests and surgeries. There was a lot of internal bleeding
and a lot, a lot, of pain....
Familiar Place and Face
The various doctors kept trying to clear it out,
clean it out, make it better. But nothing was really
helping permanently. There was still a lot of pain but
the doctors said theyd done everything they could,
short of removing the affected organs. Then one doctor
suggested that there might be something going on in
the joints, or within the bone structure, so, he sent
me to a physical therapist. I made the appointment,
thinking, Oh, all right, Ill go, but its
probably not going to help....
We went through the initial screening and all that.
Sure enough, the sacrum, hips, and pelvic area were
out of alignment, the tailbone was broken and hinged,
pointing toward my spine. The sciatic nerve was pinched.
There was scoliosis of the spine.
After the x-rays, etc., I came in for my first appointment
of the hands-on physical therapy. David, the therapist
started to loosen up my body, beginning with the head
and neck and upper spine. He was holding my upper body
and rolling it around when all of a sudden something
happened inside of me. Some really big jolt occurred.
I dont know how to describe it. I felt it physically,
it was a very deep pain. Although he was working on
my upper body, the pain hit me in my abdomen, very low
in the pelvic area and it just ripped through my body.
And there was a really, really intense emotional content
to it. It shook me up. I dont know how to describe
it . . . it was just so powerful. I was sort of in a
daze while I went through the rest of that session.
All I could tell him was, It hurts!
At the end of the appointment I went out to my car and
I just sat there and bawled. All afternoon, I just sat
there. I couldnt move. It was very confusing to
me because I knew something big had happened but I didnt
know what it was. Sitting in my car for hours, confused
and crying, I watched the other patients go in and come
back out. I wondered if what happened to me was happening
to them too, and what did it mean? It was an intense,
confusing and painful feeling....
Then this process started where there was an overwhelming,
kind of, like a . . . pull. Like a gravitational pull,
or something to David, the physical therapist.
I knew something big was happening. I was being drawn
by an intense power from within him -- I knew he could
help me. I knew he had some answers for me....
I was ready to really dig in to what was going on
with this pain in my body. Now I realized that there
were some very significant aspects of my diseases, my
physical problems, that I had not been aware of before,
that clearly involved my emotions, and also who I am.
Sometimes my mind would relate the physical therapy
to previous experiences Id had. During a session,
or thinking about it later, Id sometimes have
flashbacks and remembrances of being abused years ago
in a very degrading way, sexually and mentally....
to the Answer
Now it was January again, one year after I had first
begun physical therapy. I was beginning to work with
transpersonal psychotherapy. I started to explore mentally
and spiritually what was going on behind my physical
problems. Jane, my therapist, took me into my mind,
into different levels, to areas that were in pain.
There was one particular session that was a turning
point for me. In a trance state, I went into the pain
in my pelvic area and experienced what it felt like.
For the first time I was really in touch with a feeling
of being completely isolated and alone and pushed on
and pushed down, not heard, not listened to. And I could
feel it so strongly. I hadnt realized that there
was a part of me that felt that way that had been stifled
for so long. And that part of me was in excruciating
pain. But, I got in touch with that. Then, I really
tried to understand the feeling, and understand the
depth of it, and get a sense of it. After I did connect
with it, I felt the pain, I felt the emotional anguish.
Then, Jane guided me to the opposite of that -- to the
resolution to the pain to the comfort, the other
part of me that connected with the Source of the healing:
I related my internal emotional and physical turmoil
to my own perception of myself based on experiences
Id had with men -- and to my own interpretation
of my value and worth as a person. This part of me,
that was my healthy sexual expression, had not been
allowed to come forth, and was dying.
In therapy sessions I got in touch with it and I was
able to be aware of it and to get to know that aspect
of myself. And, too, there was the other part, the comfort
and the security, the part that David represented, that
was at another level within me and had also been beyond
my grasp to know -- just as the hurt part had been beyond
my conscious knowing. Now I felt both. I felt the pain
and I felt the comfort....
There was a certain joy that came forth as a result
of my healing process that was beyond anything that
Id ever experienced in my life. The freedom to
be myself! It was an acceptance of my sensuality or
femininity--just being a woman. And being okay with
The wounded part of me drew my attention with physical
disease and pain. By looking deeply into it, I became
aware that the pain that I had in my physical body I
also had emotionally and mentally, and also at the spiritual
level. Once I reached the spiritual level, I was able
to draw the courage and strength I needed to work with
the pain. I think of the physical, emotional, mental
and spiritual aspects as distinctly different expressions
of the same thing....
Love and Support
When I was involved with the inner struggle, I needed
people around to remind me which course was going to
be helpful for me -- people who did not feed the old
pattern, but helped to nurture the new way of being
that I was going for. I think more than anything, I
just needed support.
I found that support in therapy, with the right therapist
for me. And with talking to friends and family who would
listen to me without judgement. I got a lot of help
through seeking reading material. Id go to the
library and just start looking at books. Id be
drawn to certain books and certain information that
would speak to me and help me.
The biggest and best resource for guidance and comfort
is my internal support. In meditation and prayer I got
in touch with spiritual beings. One Being in particular
has guided me and helped me all through this process.
No matter what happens, as long as I remember that he
is there, I have everything I need -- the strength,
acceptance, compassion and assistance, just the total
loving presence that is always there for me. Everything
that I am not, he is for me so that united we are total
and complete. It was this loving acceptance that jolted
me through Davids hands. By following its gentle
flow, I was led to people who expressed this loving
acceptance and offered me assistance: my therapists,
my dance teacher, my strength trainer, the energy workers.
It is a powerful force when we are open to it.
There were definite shifts in my consciousness that
I can try to describe. There was an awareness of an
expanded reality. My whole reality changed as my perception
of myself changed. It was like being inside of a house
my whole life and not even realizing that there was
an outdoors! My usual way of being in the world was
limited, there were walls around, blocking my view.
As new parts of me came forth, I began to notice windows
to the outside world. When I discovered there was a
door that led outside, it was like, Wow! Theres
so much more!
Eventually I found the courage and stepped out the door.
It was very scary and confusing at first, terrifying
in fact, because it went so far beyond what I had perceived
life to be. Everything that happened in my awareness
had the usual familiar meaning, but there was another
layer exposed that meant something deeper, more profound
and beautiful. And there was another layer after that,
and on and on. Life became a true adventure full of
exciting exploration and discovery and surprises and
The trouble I had at first was that when I found out
about the outdoors I couldnt tell
anyone about it because no one else I knew could see
it! I had to seek out the people who could see it so
I would have other people I could relate to and share
the experience with. That was a real frustrating and
frightening thing for me at first -- being the only
one in my world who could see this new dimension. I
had never heard of any kind of spiritual teaching about
things like the energy system, or auras, or the Kundalini
flow (http://www.kundalininet.org/). But I saw it and
felt it, I became aware of it through my own experiences,
and I didnt know what it was. Then I heard about,
and I read about it and found my support. I cant
tell you what a relief it was to discover that this
is for real and Im not crazy after all!...
I try to give to other people what I feel I need the
most, because I dont see myself as just an individual.
Now, my whole world is me. And every person in the world
is me. I want to be as helpful and considerate to everyone
I meet, since we belong to each other and are truly
I feel that I am in relationship with my world around
me and that the support I need is there. It is a helpful
place, a loving place. I think the whole range of possibility
is still there -- the good, bad, light, dark, up, down,
in, out -- but my own awareness, and my involvement
in the process is a positive thing. Thats what
I look for and choose, so thats what I see and