ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .
One day I was lying
in bed and my housemate came in and said, "Im
taking you to the hospital." And I said, "What
for? Im not going." She just dragged me,
put me in the car, and took me to the hospital.
My blood pressure was very high and I was very scared.
What this was telling me was that I was in a lot of
denial about my health, in general, and that I needed
to address my hypertension, which I didnt really
know that I had. After I was examined I was told to
go see a general practitioner to follow up on the medication
that had been prescribed.
In the course of the examination she discovered a lump
in my abdomen and said, "Honey, I think youve
got a fibroid." I didnt even know what a
Attempting to Heal
That was about 1996. After I had the first diagnosis,
I naturally went right into a healing process. There
was no getting around that. I had something growing
in my gut. I had been told my body was producing about
two or three times the amount of estrogen of most women.
And estrogen feeds it.
What was thrilling for me was going deeply into the
whole psychological layer of what was really underlying
it. I know at some point I did look at Chris Northrops
work and she had talked about women who have fibroids
often being women who have issues around having children.
They are women who perhaps have had abortions, have
not had children, or given up children for adoption.
That is often part of the psychological profile of women
who have fibroid tumors. When I read that, I thought,
"Yes, this is true for me."
I attempted healing it as many different alternative
ways as I possibly could. I began working with psychic
surgeons. I began doing a lot of visualization, meditation,
working with a sound healer, energy healers, and what
was happening was it just kept getting larger and larger
I finally discovered a surgeon. Very few surgeons are
willing to do myomectomies, which is the technical term
for the surgery for uterine fibroid, when they are that
large. They usually just opt to do a hysterectomy.
A Feeling of Failure
But I had a terrible time accepting the fact that I
needed surgery. I wanted to be able to do it without
surgery. I wanted to have someone put their hands on
me, or say the right prayer, or have the right moment
of just being able to do enough deep psychological work--you
know--work through my rage, or work through my fear,
or whatever. Then I could just suddenly one day say,
For me, I felt that the surgery was an indication that
I had failed.
wanted to stick strictly to the alternatives. And I
was such a great believer in the healing of the psychological
that if you thoroughly healed the whole emotional piece
then the physical will follow. But it had just gone
I came to appreciate the role that conventional medicine
plays in healing, and that there is a time and a place
for all of it. And, being an educator of wellness, spiritual
well being, and empowerment, I had a first-hand opportunity
to see what happened when I combined both the conventional
and the alternative. Each played a significant role
in my process. Ultimately, I had to have the surgery.
And, I also needed that inner experience of visiting
that wild-eyed woman carrying the dead child. A surgeon
couldnt have taken me there, the inner work took
me there. It was a wonderful marriage--truly the path
of complementary healing. Very whole.
Meeting my Dragon
the surgery I was at a workshop on power animal work,
which is working with the shadow. In one of the journeys
that we did, I was working with anger and hatred. The
animal that came up to help me learn how to work with
that energy was a dragon. In the trance altered state
of awareness, meeting this dragon was very intimidating,
of course. The instruction was to literally go into
the dragon. I had to call on all my courage to do that.
I was surprised that I found the dragon very, very helpful
in terms of explaining to me how to channel anger. And
he showed me his whole body, and how he was an open
conduit where energy could just flow from one end to
the other, in and out both ends, not getting lodged.
Into the Pain
Later on that weekend, I was alone in my home. It is
a very rare occurrence that I am totally to myself for
a few days. I had this intense pain in my teeth in the
left lower quadrant. And I immediately flashed on the
whole Freudian connection of how teeth and the vagina
are very, very interconnected energetically. And I went,
"Okay, theres something here, connecting
to my second chakra." I immediately knew that there
was unfinished business in my womb.
Rather than drug myself, I went into the pain, completely.
And I called on the dragon immediately. I said, "Dragon,
help me move this energy," because the pain was
incredible. I was able to do a lot of roaring and growling,
which was great. And also, I was able to go inside of
my body and discover a creature. A young, terrified,
wild-eyed woman myself at an earlier point in
my life -- hiding behind a rock, dragging a dead baby.
I knew exactly what it was. And I said, "Oh, we
need to talk." So, I spent time with this part
of myself in a very nonjudgmental way, just in total
love. I asked for her forgiveness for not being there
for her, to hold her during her loss. I said, "Its
time to bury the child. Its time to let go."
So that was a very poignant part. A very powerful time
in my healing process of being able to actually experience
and visit that part of myself and spend time with her.
This happened right after I had done polarity work where
I had met the dragon. I felt it was divine providence
just opening up that window of opportunity for me. I
love how life unfolds that way -- the exquisite tapestry
of life when youre in divine flow. It was just
so perfect. I was able to spend all this time not worrying
about being interrupted or having something to do, just
being able to immerse myself in moving through this
with complete grace, attention and love.
When I was finished with that, I really felt done. I
thought, "Were done here. I have healed this
part of myself." This was in April of 1999. My
surgery had been in 1997. The diagnosis had been in
In the Flow
I think when the concept of healing first came to me
I imagined that it meant you heal something and then
you move on. That it is a process that has a conclusion.
I think I was very goal directed wanting to heal
something and then its healed and moving on. As Ive
gotten older I realize that healing occurs in waves
and all of our stuff is intimately connected, so where
one left off another picks up. And there is no destination,
there is only the journey. To let go and let God, if
you will. To be in the moment. To not judge ourselves
or others and just be receptive. To be able to open
ourselves to the extraordinary abundance, the stream
of well being that is flowing to us and through us at
all times if only we were open to it and allowed it,
and allowed ourselves to be a conduit for it.
I think that sometimes theres this notion that
I, in and of myself, have no power, cannot generate
healing. I had to come to terms with asking for healing
outside of myself and drawing healing from within myself
and having those forces work cooperatively, knowing
that nothing can be valid unless Im fully present
and willing to be in the process. You dont go
to a healer and the healer heals you. You do your own
healing. They just help energetically to set things
There was a shift of consciousness throughout my experiences
around the fibroid --with all that diving in and coming
up and diving in and coming up again. There were huge
shifts of consciousness going on, between being in denial,
seizing the moment, riding the wave, going with it,
calling on divine help, flowing with the process, and
Warrior Wants to Know
During the most difficult times, what I discovered inside
myself that kept me moving through this process was
my desire to get to the end. My desire to say, "Im
done, Im healed, Ive conquered it!"
Its the warrior energy that wants to know that
youve won the battle. That youve handled
it. That the healing has occurred. For me, I needed
to come face to face with that part of me that was the
most meaningful. She was so buried. Coming face to face
with her and knowing that she wasnt just a character.
She was me. The weekend home alone with myself and the
soul retrieval were really the highlights. One was on
the diagnostic level and one was on the healing level.
Healing is a process that
has many stages, beginning with denial, and a wake up
call. At least for me that was true. I think that healing
is about coming out of denial. Its about becoming
conscious, and then making a commitment to engage in
a process that must be nurturing in order to be successful.
Staying with it and riding it out. And coming back to
it when you forget, and staying with it again.
intent to heal is very important. Just being aware that
healing is needed is not enough. One has to really have
the intent, passionately. Otherwise, one would continue
to sabotage and run away and compound the process.
Let It In
For someone going through an especially challenging
part of their healing process I would say, "Are
you letting it in? Are you letting in the universal
stream of healing energy that is surrounding you fully
at this moment with divine guidance and love
all that you need to take you through this experience
and bring you that which you truly desire. Are you letting
it in? Do you know that you have the right to ask for
help? "Ask, and it shall be given."