THESE ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .

Multi-Dimensions
I was probably about 34 when my healing began. I had my two daughters. I left my husband. What pulled me out of the marriage was he was physically abusive. He hit me in front of the children. At that point I just said, “That’s it, we’re finished.” I really turned. Then I had to get a full time job, so I worked for a lawyer in a big computer company . . . and that was where I met my second husband, Robert.
We got married, and after awhile I started to feel unwell. I started to feel sick . . . It wasn’t about him, I really loved him . . . But then, Robert died. He found out on his fiftieth birthday that it was cancer and he died within six months. So, that was quite a turning point.
When he died, I felt like I experienced his death on two levels. One was how I understood more that we are multi-dimensional. And one was just seeing him in another space. It was that eye contact, you know, just soul to soul. That was a tremendous loss because it was a good marriage.

Going Into a Nightmare
When Robert died I was 42. We’d been married for five and a half years . . . Then, my father dropped dead. It all happened at once. Suddenly a lot of things happened . . . It was a bit like going into a nightmare, really . . .

Away from Everything
I thought, “When all this is gone, I’ll change, and I’ll come into my own.” It didn’t seem to happen. I was working, and finding myself getting tired and feeling there’s something missing. It was quite frightening because if you admit there is something missing, it might mean that you have to live with that. I wouldn’t let myself go there because I didn’t know what it was. Now, I can see what it was. I realize that I’ve just suppressed anything that would come from me.

A Faint Lead
Then my healing accelerated when I moved about two years ago. I gave up my practice as a psychotherapist and a big project that I helped set up, a Hospice at Home project.
I’ve always wanted to move to the country . . . I knew I had to go, but I didn’t know where . . . I felt I had to follow something. It was something that was quite faint, but I just had to follow it.

Following Dreams
Then I got really ill. I had no energy. My heart was jumping about and my digestion was terrible. I couldn’t do anything really . . . I didn't know what I was looking for but when I saw this house I knew it was the place for me.
So, I got here and I started having work done on the house. But I got to a point where I could hardly speak to people. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know how to relate to people. I felt such a mess.
. . . The anxiety kept growing because my mind couldn’t work it out and I was worried that I was getting obsessive about myself. I realize I didn’t know myself at all. I have a tremendous ability of adapting and tuning into another, which is good to a point . . . I had no idea what was going on for me at all.

Releasing
I went to see someone . . . [who] works with body therapy and could see that I was traumatized. . . . she said, “Yes. You are suffering from shock trauma.” What came up was stuff I didn’t know was there. I released stuff I hadn't acknowledged. I knew about my first husband. I knew about my mother, . . . . But, I didn’t know the stuff around my father, and that’s what came up. It was almost like everything was up for grabs.

Rescuing a Lost Part
Something else started to click in. It was almost a relief because I could understand then why I had an abusive first husband and somehow it was almost like a part of me I couldn’t quite get to grips with. Gradually, I just got more and more clear.
It feels like having to go right back to being very young . . . It’s like rescuing a part, really. A part that has been so lost . . .

Building a Safe House
It was like having to go back into my own body and find out what was going on. It was very unnerving. I could see how people flip. I can understand stuff that I was not connected to before. In my family situation I had been aware of everyone’s trauma but there was no point in connecting with my own because there would be nowhere to go with it – nobody to help me.
[My therapist] worked with the safety aspect, making a safe place. She asked “What’s safe for you?” I said, “Well, the trees. Nature. That’s safe.” She asked, “People?” I said, “No, people aren’t safe.” I hadn’t realized I felt that way.
Gradually I learned to build a house and make it safe. I learned to go back and use a teddy bear, which I never used . . . Learning how to take care of myself, because I didn’t have a clue. For me it was easy to tune in to somebody else, which I have a great ability to do . . . It has just been taking energy and it’s not been coming back. I haven’t known how to let it come back in. My body’s been so constricted all my life. . .

Drawing My Dreams
My dreams spurred me on because they kept helping me . . .What I’m learning is, if I have an image it’s better just to get the energy down. At first I was quite childlike, just drawing the dreams. I wanted to see whether there was a thread . . .
I realized how I was analyzing everything I ever do, so basically, I was destroying it. So, I couldn’t move. “I can’t do that because of this” -- instead of just following an impulse, naturally . . . It was a strong feeling to draw them and so I tried. I thought, “I’m just drawing it, don’t think about it, because then it gets in the way.”

A Tiny, Tiny Voice
About eight years ago I felt that I would die at about this age. What I realized is, if I hadn’t followed this I probably would have died, because there wouldn’t have been any point. I’ve always found I could get over something so I wouldn’t get down. I always thought that this was quite a good ability, but I don’t know if it was, because it was just drowning the other noises that were going on. It was like this tiny voice was saying, “Help!”

Letting Go of Everything
. . . All I could do was just take the next day, or the next step, and then see. When I stopped trying, things started to happen. What comes back very strongly, I think maybe from an ego perspective, is “But we do all have a purpose.” I had to let go of that, really.
I got very encouraged by a friend of mine to stay in the emptiness. She said, “You just stay with it. I thought, “Well, hers seems so obvious. She is a writer and in my mind she knows what she is doing. Mine feels very different. It’s not so tangible.” I thought, “Well, what can it be? I like to dance, so what does that mean?” But, something is coming. Something that I still don’t know the full extent of. Yet, it makes sense.

Creative Expression
I started in movement and painting . . . I do have quite an understanding of what’s going on energetically but I’ve never known how to explain it. So, it just stayed inside. This is a way of bringing it through.
. . . My legs are saying “We want to be.” And as they wake up, I’ve had some senses, life senses in my legs. I’m back to saying, “I realize I have my experiences the way I have them.” It’s back to not comparing. If something comes through, and that word “compare” comes in, it destroys. It’s a big learning . . .
The abuse stuff starts to go, as I let that come through with dance. It was always my dream when I was young to dance. But when I was young it was about performing. Now it’s not about performing, it’s about my expression. It helps me to get in touch with something deeper. It’s my spiritual connection and I’m following it and I cannot believe that I can do that now. It’s like a dream come true.
I’d be thinking, “Well, I’m 53. How can I be doing that now?” And I can . . . It’s about movement. It’s about bringing through the stuff that’s locked in. It’s a way of bringing it through, which is also making my connection to spirit much more authentic for me . . .

Getting to Know Myself
It feels like now I’m getting the icing on the cake because as I start to get better I realize I had no idea that my whole way of relating in the world was not how I could do it. I tried to use my mind and my head, but I couldn’t. It was almost like I was dyslexic. What I realized is that I don’t function well that way anyway. I function very much with my senses and movement. I’ve just been taking a step at a time . . . So it was like following something deeper that was working with and talking through my dreams.

Empty Moments
In those times of having to be really, really quiet because I couldn’t deal with anything else, as I let go it’s almost like something else took over . . .It’s like a tiny, “It's really all right, no matter what happens, it’s all right.” I get scared. I keep getting scared. But, actually, in the end, it IS all right.